You’re not going nuts. The world is.
Chaos.
That is the first word that comes to mind when I think of anything and everything that’s happened this year. Life has never promised us certainty about anything, and this pandemic has violently reminded us so.
On the brink of a revolution in every possible sense in all parts of the world, under the rule of authoritarian governments who are desperately trying to convince us that they are democratic and with a massive question mark besides everything you wanted to do this year and in the near future, feeling low, empty, scared and uneasy is totally understandable.
We are all on our own journeys and are facing very personal and often indescribable challenges but one thing that is for certain is that this pandemic has either directly caused your mental health to deplete or has been a key factor in gravely intensifying your pre-existing struggles. Either way, there is no escaping the reality that this is very much affecting you and for this I cannot emphasise enough how natural it is that you may feel more trapped within yourself.
Whilst our challenges are different from one another, as they have been affected at varying degrees by the same circumstances, I’ve come to some fairly generalised realisations that may be relatable.
What is common amongst many of the mental warfare’s that we are going through is this frustrated internal conflict in processing (or not processing) the very things we are experiencing. The suddenness of the pandemic, it’s drastic effects on our lives, as well as the uncertainty around when it may possibly end are fighting against the aspirations and goals, we had for ourselves at the beginning of the year. This has got many of us unknowingly grieving possible realities and versions of ourselves and our lives. Despite there being an ongoing pandemic, I spent most of this year being incredibly horrible to myself for not achieving things at a pace I had intended for myself and this founded further negative mindsets around other matters. Even if you did not have specified plans for yourself earlier this year, you were still robbed of many possibilities and that itself is equally depressing and worth acknowledging.
This conflict between your aspirations and the harsh reality of this year is fertile ground for you to begin hating yourself, feeling like a failure, empty and directionless about what you’re doing, where you’re going and even what you’re feeling. Without attempting to recognise the craziness all around us, which is beyond our control and continuing to hold onto what you had expected and wanted for yourself before the outbreak, there will be this resisting element which will indefinitely exhaust you. This internal struggle will make it difficult to process reality and begin any healing. It takes a lot of time to accept the present circumstances. In fact, I don’t think anyone can really grasp what is happening in all its complexity. I’m personally mind blown on a regular basis that we’re even experiencing this in the first place but as I’m writing this, I’m slowly working on accepting this as our new reality with all of its badness. This gradual acceptance is providing me with a good foundation to work through other issues.
I want us to reconceptualise how we view and register all emotions. Negative state of minds and feelings are just as valid as feelings of happiness, love and excitement. They are all merely responses to situations. The current situations we are in are dreadful, so I want us to be okay with feeling that at the moment and to not be hard on ourselves for feeling so. It’s very easy and more comfortable to overlook and bury such feelings simply because they are not desirable and desperately try to mould them into something pretty without really dealing with them first. However, I encourage you to gently welcome all feelings as they merely products of your surroundings. Also, allow yourself to feel awful about the plans and ambitions that you had earlier this year and make room for this new reality which can only present itself as a blank canvas for you to start over again and/or revise old plans.
The impermanence of feelings has provided me with a lot of comfort recently and has helped minimised my pressing and unhealthy need to intellectualise everything. The same way that weird, grey, empty yet suffocating feeling has consumed you out of the blue, it will also leave with little effort, if you don’t hate yourself for feeling it. Ride it out with your emotions rather than trying to fight or drown in them. Feeling stuff is a great reminder than you’re alive and an indicator that other feelings are on their way.
I cannot stress enough how much you need to be kind to yourself. Next time, before you begin to nit-pick how you responded to someone, how you look in those jeans, why you did something in that particular way, just pause and think, would you treat your friend like this? You should treat yourself like you would treat your absolute loved ones, you’re worthy of that exact love. Not a drop less. For the love of God, please just cut yourself some slack!! The world is already a horrible place with horrible people, it doesn’t need you to be horrible to yourself as well. You don’t need you to be horrible to yourself. You’re doing you and that’s the best and only thing that you will ever need to do. Being is enough. It’s all that is necessary to be here, which is the only place you can be at. The future is just the present in another time. You’re not there yet, so in many ways it doesn’t even exist. In the meantime, just focus on what you’re going to have for breakfast in the morning and what film you’re going to watch next.
What does being kind to yourself involve:
- Not comparing yourself to others — we are all on our own paths. This is yours and you’re supposed to go learn something here.
- Not feeling bad for not immediately feeling good or achieving certain things at a certain time. Things take time and feeling bad is necessary to eventually feel genuinely happy again, without it, happiness would lose its essence and your appreciation for feeling it.
- Being easy with uncertainty and not seeking perfection as life is great without them and also, certainty and perfection literally don’t exist! Life doesn’t make much sense anyways; I don’t think it’s supposed to, so this need to search for something you’re not even quite sure of will only give you that inexplainable empty feeling.
Things are going continue to be weird and confusing for a while and this second lockdown especially during winter, will be challenging to say the least. However, please try not to feel bad for feeling bad as this will alleviate some guilt and frustration that accompanies your struggles. It will also effortlessly open up a space for acceptance and healing.
It is very important to check up on our family and friends more than ever. However, I want to highlight that we should be mindful in how we approach them. Ultimately, you’re the best judge in how you speak to the person, but I feel that a simple “Hey, how are you?” may not be as effective in some scenarios.
Someone who is going through a tough time may be unlikely or unable to truly answer this question. Conversely, they may be very open and trusting and give you an honest and detailed response. In this case, I must underline how crucial it is that you’re a good listener, compassionate, patient and not judgmental because there is honestly nothing worse than finally opening up to someone and getting a mild and uninterested reply. This may make the person sink further into themselves and find it difficult to speak about their feelings in the future. Moreover, the person may just be feeling nothing and not know how to answer. Here your question may be annoying and make them feel bad for not having anything interesting to share.
I guess there is no absolute right or wrong way to go about checking up on someone, but I wanted to share some possible responses this general yet overwhelming question can have, as a way for us to be more cautious when trying to speak to others. Similarly to when you see a friend in real life who may be in a dark space, you wouldn’t spend all your time speaking about their issues. You would attempt to lighten the mood and offer them something different to think and talk about. This is equally important as having serious chats. Here are a few alternative ways to speak to someone and delicately check up on them:
- Popping up to them with a funny story/experience you both shared
- Send them memes and funny tweets
- Simply remind them that you love and value them
- Send over a song that they like or that you think they will like — perhaps even make them a playlist
- Request to play some iMessage games
- Watch a film/series together on Netflix Party (https://www.netflixparty.com/)
- Give yourselves a task(s) to complete over the week and make your family/friends hold you accountable and discuss it all over the phone or facetime at the end of the week. Such tasks can include simply rearranging your wardrobe, begin that book you’ve been meaning to read for months or clearing out your email inbox that is screaming.
This isn’t an exhaustive list; I’m merely brainstorming here. These are just some ideas on how to carefully check up on those you care about without bombarding them with overwhelmingly serious or awkward questions. If you or someone you know is in a particularly dark place, struggling with their mental health and potentially at risk of harming themselves, please reach out on crisis helplines.
I hope you take it every day as it comes with ease. I will never stop reiterating that you need to be kind to yourself and open yourself up to feeling all feelings. Seeking eternal happiness is not a realistic goal, developing resilience may be a healthier and more sustainable objective.
You’re not losing it, I promise. You’re good.
Take care and stay safe. I mean that with all my heart ❤
